God loves me

The catholic church is something NEW I am doing this year. So we're going to church, well, unless girlfriend and I are to hung over to get out of bed, or if all the makeup in the house won't cover my black eye(see hungrygeese.blogspot.com).

We are getting married in the catholic church so I decided it would be best to see the church in all of it's glory, check out the beautiful windows, feel the wrath of the man himself, and scope out the exits. Hey you never know, maybe I might need to have some of my cronies there to threaten the death of kitten if girlfriend tries to run the day of the wedding.

The first Sunday we went I did it up right. Put on my Sunday best. I was decked out in my nicest shoes. I even shaved. I was feeling good. Before we went in I left my wallet in the car. I didn't know how long we would be sitting there, and apparently it is bad for your back to sit on your wallet for to long.

Every thing was going real smooth. I was kneeling when it was time to kneel. I was standing when it was time to stand. I looked like a seasoned veteran.... Then it happened.

Yep the guy started to come around with the donation basket. This isn't any old basket. Ohhh no. This thing had a had the longest handle on it, as if after it was full he would just hold it up and to the heavens and empty it out on God's table.

Here he comes. He starts eyeing me from five rows up. I realize I left my wallet in the car. SHIT! My back tightened up and I couldn't breath. Here he comes. The sweetest, most kind looking man. I know I should not make eye contact, but I can't look away. He gets to my row. I looked down and held my breath. I felt every eye on me. There it was. The basket was placed right in front of me. That was my first Prayer in the church. "Please God get this fucking basket away from me!!"

He is a kind God for he answered my prayer that day. I could breathe again and the color was restored to my face. It was over I made it. I learned my lesson. Never again!!

The second time I went to church I was ready. I had a fist full of dollars. You would have thought I was going to the strip club.

Here comes the very basket that had devastated me the week before. He makes eye contact with me five rows up. I look back at him with a new found confidence. "Who is the man!?!?! I own this church!!"

The basket sit before me. The moment I have been dreaming of all week. I clear my throat, raise my arm straight up, clear my throat again, and put my money in. I was waiting for the applause. I look up and I am greeted with disappointed faces. I see some head nodding and hear the murmurs. My back tightened up and I couldn't breathe. "Damn it!! Stupid stupid stupid!"

The third time I went girlfriend sat me down before hand to show me the ways. Muscle Relaxers and whiskey!!! Smooth sailing. Thanks babe.

Happy same year

So here we are a new year, a fresh start, a new beginning! Oh crap who are we kidding. It is mediocracy as usual. When you walk into 7-11 the dime bag clerk is still going to call you boss in a feeble attempt to put you lower than him. The idiots in the frozen food isle of the supermarket are still going to hold the freezer door open hence fogging up all the glass so nobody else can see the next sodium infested meal that will line there oversized American gut. You are still going to go to work and have to deal with the same passive aggressive morons that somehow get paid more than you do.

Don't get me wrong, I am not one to eat kittens for breakfast. Though I have kicked some puppies in my day. Metaphorically speaking of course. It is hard to get into the hype of a NEW year when everything is the same. I guess we should all try to change it up and do different things. My girlfriend is going on and on about how great it feels to sit in jello.

So that is it! When I get home today I am going to fill the bathtub full of jello, sit back, relax, and think of all the ways I can make this a new year.